Note: I fucked up the time on the last post it should have been 0015 May 18th, whatever.
Sunday May18th, 0715
I wake up angry. I have to pee. I wanted to sleep more. I take care of that thing I mentioned earlier and I slink back into bed. Pete calls me about 10 minutes after that right when I think I’m about fall asleep again. He’s buying bagels, and “yes I want one.” I close my eyes again. Pete calls again do I want a coffee, “no, I don’t want a coffee.” I close my eyes for a little while longer. I call Pete, “Actually, I do want a coffee.” I close my eyes again, 10 minutes later Pete is home and rustles around and he begins to defile the bathroom. After he is done, he leaves, and then returns about 15 minutes after that. I’m still in bed. He opens my door; I give him a disgusted look, go out and eat my bagel. We need to be at the fields by 830 since our game is at 900.
We get to the fields at 845; we don’t see any Frisbees or Frisbee people anywhere. We start to wander if we fucked up the weekends some how. Pete calls the scheibers and apparently the games don’t start until 1000. Shit. Well at least there is a Bass Pro Shop around so we drive over to waste some time there. It doesn’t open until 1000, so we decide to go to target instead. I cruise the bulk candy isle for about 15 minutes, sampling the different kinds of treats. I’m pretty sure this is frowned upon, but I love jelly beans. We both spend some money on things we don’t really need and then get the fields at 945. We make it all the way to semis, and end up losing because everyone’s hangovers, and 100 mile bike rides and only having two subs, catches up with us.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Demonic Possession or Brain Tumor, either way I'm fucked. P1
The last 36 hours of my life have been quite taxing. I’ve taken heavy hits to mind, body, and spirit. I wish I could say that I earned and or learned something from the things I’ve recently endured, but there is not a whole lot to take from it all. So, I’ll start at the beginning, not the very beginning because I only want to hit on a few key episodes.
Saturday May 17th, 0015
Fuck the sports column. I’ve never liked going there and really dislike the type of crowd it attracts. Beers are expensive and hard to get and getting cocktails is stupid unless you like paying $6 for a watered down shitty G and T. I’ve never had that good of a time (there was the one time warren and I stole these DU guys shots of something expensive and we were too drunk to notice they really wanted to hurt us. They were glaring at us for quite a while, but never said anything because who would really want to mess with the two of us when were are that drunk and already a little irate (actually that wasn’t that great of a night either, we both just thought it was really funny the next day, oh well)) except tonight a Saturday, Jaeger Bombs are $3. I was blown away. They even had these questionable little cups made especially for these drinks. Do they do this all the time? I don’t know, but either way Sports column went from a 1 to a 3. Good job Sports column. That’s the back story, and a few of these had been drunk by rumples and myself over the course of 2 ½ hours. We are on the brink of getting real drunk and were in the midst of decided if we should get one more round, which really meant keep drinking until the bar closed, or leaving. It was the spring league Frisbee tournament the next day and I decided it would be best to go home a sleep a good amount. We said goodbye to Sam’s friends from the springs and this girl that knew someone from somewhere who was named Dixie. She was from North Dakota (who the fuck is from North Dakota) and was the manager of the On the Border in Golden. She spent the majority of the evening rubbing on Rumples and I. Anyway, conversation of the night occurred as Rumples and I were walking to my car: Rumpledarling: Dude thanks for coming out tonight, you had a good time right?
Me: yeah, I like your friends they’re nice guys.
RD: Those are my boys; I’ve known them for my whole life. It sucks *my friend* got that chick pregnant, fuck man, I couldn’t deal with a kid right now. I love Alyssa, but shit I don’t know what I would do if she got pregnant.
Me: People like us have no business having kids; we can barely take care of ourselves.
RD: Yeah, right…………you should have totally fucked that girl!
Me: Who? What? That girl from North Dakota? She was weird looking.
RD: She was, but she had nice tits. She totally wanted some dick.
Me: Hmm, that’s true, she did, and we were looking pretty good tonight.
RD: Man, I love Alyssa so much, and I know that because if I didn’t I would have totally had taken that girl in the bathroom and had sex with her.
Me: Gross.
We made it home and went to bed.
Saturday May 17th, 0015
Fuck the sports column. I’ve never liked going there and really dislike the type of crowd it attracts. Beers are expensive and hard to get and getting cocktails is stupid unless you like paying $6 for a watered down shitty G and T. I’ve never had that good of a time (there was the one time warren and I stole these DU guys shots of something expensive and we were too drunk to notice they really wanted to hurt us. They were glaring at us for quite a while, but never said anything because who would really want to mess with the two of us when were are that drunk and already a little irate (actually that wasn’t that great of a night either, we both just thought it was really funny the next day, oh well)) except tonight a Saturday, Jaeger Bombs are $3. I was blown away. They even had these questionable little cups made especially for these drinks. Do they do this all the time? I don’t know, but either way Sports column went from a 1 to a 3. Good job Sports column. That’s the back story, and a few of these had been drunk by rumples and myself over the course of 2 ½ hours. We are on the brink of getting real drunk and were in the midst of decided if we should get one more round, which really meant keep drinking until the bar closed, or leaving. It was the spring league Frisbee tournament the next day and I decided it would be best to go home a sleep a good amount. We said goodbye to Sam’s friends from the springs and this girl that knew someone from somewhere who was named Dixie. She was from North Dakota (who the fuck is from North Dakota) and was the manager of the On the Border in Golden. She spent the majority of the evening rubbing on Rumples and I. Anyway, conversation of the night occurred as Rumples and I were walking to my car: Rumpledarling: Dude thanks for coming out tonight, you had a good time right?
Me: yeah, I like your friends they’re nice guys.
RD: Those are my boys; I’ve known them for my whole life. It sucks *my friend* got that chick pregnant, fuck man, I couldn’t deal with a kid right now. I love Alyssa, but shit I don’t know what I would do if she got pregnant.
Me: People like us have no business having kids; we can barely take care of ourselves.
RD: Yeah, right…………you should have totally fucked that girl!
Me: Who? What? That girl from North Dakota? She was weird looking.
RD: She was, but she had nice tits. She totally wanted some dick.
Me: Hmm, that’s true, she did, and we were looking pretty good tonight.
RD: Man, I love Alyssa so much, and I know that because if I didn’t I would have totally had taken that girl in the bathroom and had sex with her.
Me: Gross.
We made it home and went to bed.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Play Frisbee
Hello World,
It’s time to start thinking about your future. How would you like to spend it? I heard that a chunk of Antarctica the size of Pennsylvania just broke off the mainland and is floating around somewhere. We’re not reducing carbon emissions and I’m 95% sure that hybrids emit a ton of CFCs (I read that somewhere, the interweb has all sorts of great information). Foreboding news if you ask me. It won’t be long before we are elbow deep in a future very closely resembling Waterworld staring Kevin Costner. It’s gonna be your future and how would you like to spend your time?
You can work a lot. Buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, and then die. Don’t do that.
I played golf one time, it’s stupid and easy and for old people.
You can hike and camp and fish and trek and be…. in…..nature?
Shooting shit with a gun is fun, buy a gun and do just that.
Tennis is difficult and far too frustrating.
The writers strike is over and who doesn’t like spending Saturdays and weekday evenings watching network television? I think they are allowed to say shit during primetime, brings a little more spice to the salsa.
Sitting around and getting fat is fun; lots of people I know do that. Baseball is cool to watch.
You could play competitive co-ed ultimate Frisbee.
Slowdance Ultimate 2008 is about to begin. In our 3rd year since inception we’ve got it all figured out. Every year there has been a steady increase in quality of play and quality of people. 2008 will be our break-out year. We plan on playing all the local Colorado tournaments and the series which consequently sectionals and regionals are both in the state. There will be no road trip to Santa Barbara or a similar unsavory local. We’ll probably travel for 1 or possibly 2 out-of-state tournaments depending on interest.
It’s time to start thinking about your future. How would you like to spend it? I heard that a chunk of Antarctica the size of Pennsylvania just broke off the mainland and is floating around somewhere. We’re not reducing carbon emissions and I’m 95% sure that hybrids emit a ton of CFCs (I read that somewhere, the interweb has all sorts of great information). Foreboding news if you ask me. It won’t be long before we are elbow deep in a future very closely resembling Waterworld staring Kevin Costner. It’s gonna be your future and how would you like to spend your time?
You can work a lot. Buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, and then die. Don’t do that.
I played golf one time, it’s stupid and easy and for old people.
You can hike and camp and fish and trek and be…. in…..nature?
Shooting shit with a gun is fun, buy a gun and do just that.
Tennis is difficult and far too frustrating.
The writers strike is over and who doesn’t like spending Saturdays and weekday evenings watching network television? I think they are allowed to say shit during primetime, brings a little more spice to the salsa.
Sitting around and getting fat is fun; lots of people I know do that. Baseball is cool to watch.
You could play competitive co-ed ultimate Frisbee.
Slowdance Ultimate 2008 is about to begin. In our 3rd year since inception we’ve got it all figured out. Every year there has been a steady increase in quality of play and quality of people. 2008 will be our break-out year. We plan on playing all the local Colorado tournaments and the series which consequently sectionals and regionals are both in the state. There will be no road trip to Santa Barbara or a similar unsavory local. We’ll probably travel for 1 or possibly 2 out-of-state tournaments depending on interest.
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Tale that Needs to Be Told: I've been laughing about this for months.
Here is the scene: Pete and I are in the liquor store by our house. It's 530 on a Thursday in June and we are on our way to summer league. I'm buying a handle of McCormick's to make cocktails at the fields. While handing my credit card to the younger lady liquor clerk after she apologized for asking me for my ID this happened:
Pete (from the back of the store): MIKE!! MIKE!! DO WE WANT ROADIES?!?!
Mike: Ugh, whatever dude.
Pete: MIKE! BEERS! ROADIES! BEERS FOR THE ROAD!
Mike: Fine just keep it down, get whatever. (The liquor store clerk is staring at me with her mouth open)
Pete (still in the back of the store): MIKE! DO YOU WANT A NEW CASTLE OR HEINEKEN? DO WE HAVE A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR CAR? (other people in the store begin to take notice)
Mike: Dude, just settle down, I don't care, lets just get going.
Pete: WHAT! (walking to the front of the store with two bottles) I just got you a New Castle and I got a Heineken, we can just split both of them.(He's smiling)
(The liquor store clerk is staring at both of us and shaking her head)
Mike: Dude.........
Pete: What?............ooohhh.
Pete (from the back of the store): MIKE!! MIKE!! DO WE WANT ROADIES?!?!
Mike: Ugh, whatever dude.
Pete: MIKE! BEERS! ROADIES! BEERS FOR THE ROAD!
Mike: Fine just keep it down, get whatever. (The liquor store clerk is staring at me with her mouth open)
Pete (still in the back of the store): MIKE! DO YOU WANT A NEW CASTLE OR HEINEKEN? DO WE HAVE A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR CAR? (other people in the store begin to take notice)
Mike: Dude, just settle down, I don't care, lets just get going.
Pete: WHAT! (walking to the front of the store with two bottles) I just got you a New Castle and I got a Heineken, we can just split both of them.(He's smiling)
(The liquor store clerk is staring at both of us and shaking her head)
Mike: Dude.........
Pete: What?............ooohhh.
Ahhh, so Arnold's eyes would not pop out of his head as seen in Total Recall
Survival in Space Unprotected Is Possible--Briefly
But don't linger in the interstellar vacuum, or hold your breath
By Anna Gosline
As far as certain death in a science fiction plot line goes, being ejected into the vacuum of space is more than a pretty sure thing. A shove out of the air lock by a mutinous lieutenant or a vicious rip in a space suit, and your average movie victim is guaranteed to die quickly and quietly, though with fewer exploding body parts than screenwriters might have you believe.In reality, however, animal experiments and human accidents have shown that people can likely survive exposure to vacuum conditions for at least a couple of minutes. Not that you would remain conscious long enough to rescue yourself, but if your predicament was accidental, there could be time for fellow crew members to rescue and repressurize you with few ill effects."In any system, there is always the possibility of equipment failure leading to injury or death. That's just the risk you run when you are in a hostile environment and you depend upon the equipment around you," says Dartmouth Medical School professor and former NASA astronaut Jay Buckey, author of the 2006 book Space Physiology. "But if you can get to someone quickly, that is good. Often spacewalks are done with two spacewalkers and there is continuous communication. So if someone is having a problem, hopefully the other can go get them and bring them in."Vacuums are indeed lethal: Under extremely low pressure air trapped in the lungs expands, tearing the tender gas-exchange tissues. This is especially grave if you are holding your breath or inhaling deeply when the pressure drops. Water in the soft tissues of your body vaporizes, causing gross swelling, though the tight seal of your skin would prevent you from actually bursting apart. Your eyes, likewise, would refrain from exploding, but continued escape of gas and water vapor leads to rapid cooling of the mouth and airways.Water and dissolved gas in the blood forms bubbles in the major veins, which travel throughout the circulatory system and block blood flow. After about one minute circulation effectively stops. The lack of oxygen to the brain renders you unconscious in less than 15 seconds, eventually killing you. "When the pressure gets very low there is just not enough oxygen. That is really the first and most important concern," Buckey says.But death is not instantaneous. For example, one 1965 study by researchers at the Brooks Air Force Base in Texas showed that dogs exposed to near vacuum—one three-hundred-eightieth of atmospheric pressure at sea level—for up to 90 seconds always survived. During their exposure, they were unconscious and paralyzed. Gas expelled from their bowels and stomachs caused simultaneous defecation, projectile vomiting and urination. They suffered massive seizures. Their tongues were often coated in ice and the dogs swelled to resemble "an inflated goatskin bag," the authors wrote. But after slight repressurization the dogs shrank back down, began to breathe, and after 10 to 15 minutes at sea level pressure, they managed to walk, though it took a few more minutes for their apparent blindness to wear off.However, dogs held at near vacuum for just a little bit longer—two full minutes or more—died frequently. If the heart was not still beating upon recompression, they could not be revived and the more rapid the decompression was, the graver the injuries no matter how much time had elapsed in the vacuum.Chimpanzees can withstand even longer exposures. In a pair of papers from NASA in 1965 and 1967, researchers found that chimpanzees could survive up to 3.5 minutes in near-vacuum conditions with no apparent cognitive defects, as measured by complex tasks months later. One chimp that was exposed for three minutes, however, showed lasting behavioral changes. Another died shortly after exposure, likely due to cardiac arrest.Although the majority of knowledge on the effects of vacuum exposure comes from animal studies, there have also been several informative—and scary—depressurization accidents involving people. For example, in 1965 a technician inside a vacuum chamber at Johnson Space Center in Houston accidentally depressurized his space suit by disrupting a hose. After 12 to 15 seconds he lost consciousness. He regained it at 27 seconds, after his suit was repressurized to about half that of sea level. The man reported that his last memory before blacking out was of the moisture on his tongue beginning to boil as well as a loss of taste sensation that lingered for four days following the accident, but he was otherwise unharmed.When it comes to exposure to the interstellar medium, you might survive it with timely help but it probably won't be to your taste.
But don't linger in the interstellar vacuum, or hold your breath
By Anna Gosline
As far as certain death in a science fiction plot line goes, being ejected into the vacuum of space is more than a pretty sure thing. A shove out of the air lock by a mutinous lieutenant or a vicious rip in a space suit, and your average movie victim is guaranteed to die quickly and quietly, though with fewer exploding body parts than screenwriters might have you believe.In reality, however, animal experiments and human accidents have shown that people can likely survive exposure to vacuum conditions for at least a couple of minutes. Not that you would remain conscious long enough to rescue yourself, but if your predicament was accidental, there could be time for fellow crew members to rescue and repressurize you with few ill effects."In any system, there is always the possibility of equipment failure leading to injury or death. That's just the risk you run when you are in a hostile environment and you depend upon the equipment around you," says Dartmouth Medical School professor and former NASA astronaut Jay Buckey, author of the 2006 book Space Physiology. "But if you can get to someone quickly, that is good. Often spacewalks are done with two spacewalkers and there is continuous communication. So if someone is having a problem, hopefully the other can go get them and bring them in."Vacuums are indeed lethal: Under extremely low pressure air trapped in the lungs expands, tearing the tender gas-exchange tissues. This is especially grave if you are holding your breath or inhaling deeply when the pressure drops. Water in the soft tissues of your body vaporizes, causing gross swelling, though the tight seal of your skin would prevent you from actually bursting apart. Your eyes, likewise, would refrain from exploding, but continued escape of gas and water vapor leads to rapid cooling of the mouth and airways.Water and dissolved gas in the blood forms bubbles in the major veins, which travel throughout the circulatory system and block blood flow. After about one minute circulation effectively stops. The lack of oxygen to the brain renders you unconscious in less than 15 seconds, eventually killing you. "When the pressure gets very low there is just not enough oxygen. That is really the first and most important concern," Buckey says.But death is not instantaneous. For example, one 1965 study by researchers at the Brooks Air Force Base in Texas showed that dogs exposed to near vacuum—one three-hundred-eightieth of atmospheric pressure at sea level—for up to 90 seconds always survived. During their exposure, they were unconscious and paralyzed. Gas expelled from their bowels and stomachs caused simultaneous defecation, projectile vomiting and urination. They suffered massive seizures. Their tongues were often coated in ice and the dogs swelled to resemble "an inflated goatskin bag," the authors wrote. But after slight repressurization the dogs shrank back down, began to breathe, and after 10 to 15 minutes at sea level pressure, they managed to walk, though it took a few more minutes for their apparent blindness to wear off.However, dogs held at near vacuum for just a little bit longer—two full minutes or more—died frequently. If the heart was not still beating upon recompression, they could not be revived and the more rapid the decompression was, the graver the injuries no matter how much time had elapsed in the vacuum.Chimpanzees can withstand even longer exposures. In a pair of papers from NASA in 1965 and 1967, researchers found that chimpanzees could survive up to 3.5 minutes in near-vacuum conditions with no apparent cognitive defects, as measured by complex tasks months later. One chimp that was exposed for three minutes, however, showed lasting behavioral changes. Another died shortly after exposure, likely due to cardiac arrest.Although the majority of knowledge on the effects of vacuum exposure comes from animal studies, there have also been several informative—and scary—depressurization accidents involving people. For example, in 1965 a technician inside a vacuum chamber at Johnson Space Center in Houston accidentally depressurized his space suit by disrupting a hose. After 12 to 15 seconds he lost consciousness. He regained it at 27 seconds, after his suit was repressurized to about half that of sea level. The man reported that his last memory before blacking out was of the moisture on his tongue beginning to boil as well as a loss of taste sensation that lingered for four days following the accident, but he was otherwise unharmed.When it comes to exposure to the interstellar medium, you might survive it with timely help but it probably won't be to your taste.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Cock Block 2008
I’d rather not insult the intelligence of myself or of any party that reads this letter with convoluted verbiage and obtuse metaphors for our dedication to the poultry days tournament and experience, by insinuating through my careful manipulation of the English language that I can sway the god giving freewill of another person in to justifying a particular decision that may be counterintuitive to moral or ethical dilemma in their community, country, or after-life, as to not cheapen the human experience that is coherent human thought and shit.
Here are the facts:
1) That nice family that lives behind our campsite promised us a karaoke party on Saturday night, it was someone’s birthday party last year and they invited us. This was quite the step up from letting us use their hose.
2) I already bought a plane ticket, and I’d rather not just go to Indianapolis because I think the Colts are awesome, which I don’t, Go Broncos.
3) Some persons on our team only answer to one of the following: Brother, Jiz, Creature, Radio, Peterhead, Pledge, Girth, Crabigail, Scotty the Body, Pizza, Ech, Beverly
4) I already bought a new tent, my old one smelt like cat pee.
5) The team roster may be too large, feats of strength and dedication are being held next Tuesday at 4:00 am at the dumpster behind Cici’s Pizza at 84th and Sheridan in Westminster, CO to make the appropriate cuts.
6) I haven’t eaten a chicken dinner in almost a year.
7) We asked the Jake Plummer to be on our team. For those of you that don’t know he was the Probowl quarter back of your Denver Broncos, I’m assuming he’ll definitely come. We’ll hang out together, toss the pigskin a little bit, he’ll say I throw the football way better then he does, he’ll call Mike Shanahan, tell him about me, and I’ll start for the Broncos next season.
8) I tire of the mountains, they’re all tall and hard to drive up, they’re overrated if you ask me and they make the air thin and hard to breath. I’m in need of some flat land and muggy air.
9) Go Buckeyes!!!!!
Thank you and we would love to come to your tournament again this year.
Cock Block 2008
Here are the facts:
1) That nice family that lives behind our campsite promised us a karaoke party on Saturday night, it was someone’s birthday party last year and they invited us. This was quite the step up from letting us use their hose.
2) I already bought a plane ticket, and I’d rather not just go to Indianapolis because I think the Colts are awesome, which I don’t, Go Broncos.
3) Some persons on our team only answer to one of the following: Brother, Jiz, Creature, Radio, Peterhead, Pledge, Girth, Crabigail, Scotty the Body, Pizza, Ech, Beverly
4) I already bought a new tent, my old one smelt like cat pee.
5) The team roster may be too large, feats of strength and dedication are being held next Tuesday at 4:00 am at the dumpster behind Cici’s Pizza at 84th and Sheridan in Westminster, CO to make the appropriate cuts.
6) I haven’t eaten a chicken dinner in almost a year.
7) We asked the Jake Plummer to be on our team. For those of you that don’t know he was the Probowl quarter back of your Denver Broncos, I’m assuming he’ll definitely come. We’ll hang out together, toss the pigskin a little bit, he’ll say I throw the football way better then he does, he’ll call Mike Shanahan, tell him about me, and I’ll start for the Broncos next season.
8) I tire of the mountains, they’re all tall and hard to drive up, they’re overrated if you ask me and they make the air thin and hard to breath. I’m in need of some flat land and muggy air.
9) Go Buckeyes!!!!!
Thank you and we would love to come to your tournament again this year.
Cock Block 2008
That's right I didn't shave this morning
Yes, you are right, I didn’t shave this morning. I’m sorry my unshaven face is so disgusting to you. You know what is disgusting to me? That creepy pedophile goatee you’re sporting, what is this 1997? Not that I decided to look this way the night before, but this look is in right now, it’s shabby-chic or some bullshit, not like flannel shirts and that shit you have stuck to your face.
What was that you said? Oh right, I shaved with burnt toast. That’s real funny old man, maybe I didn’t even have time this morning to burn some toast. I woke up about 30 minutes ago, my shower took 5 minutes and the water didn’t have much of a chance to get warm enough. These pants where in a heap on my floor and I bet you didn’t notice I wore this shirt two days ago, which is only slightly wrinkly. These socks are dirty, my teeth are not brushed.
Is it really a disgrace to this work environment or that distracting? How many people will take a good long look at me today? Probably five and they are all going to be at the burrito place where I’m going for lunch. I bet the wastoids that make my burritos will still think that I’m a square and probably spit in my food if I don’t tip them. I don’t think I particularly cool because of this, my shirt is white and button down, these pants are khaki.
What about Ken in the next cube? I have to listen to him yammer on all day to the help desk about why his computer hates him. “Hey, Mike is your computer running slow today, why is that? Things usually open quicker. I’ll call the help desk.” Every single morning I have to listen to him eat his cereal, I never noticed how annoying it is to hear other people eat. Chew, Chew, Chew, Smack, Slurp. It’s disgusting and distracting me. Talk to him; tell him he is looking fat, just like I am looking scruffy.
Fine, the crux of it all was I got a little drunk last night, drank a little of the firewater. My friend and I had some cocktails last night, it was a lady friend and I thought a nice alcohol buzz would get her fired up to touch my penis. Congratulations! It didn’t. After three seven dollar bullshit girl drinks, white rums and diet cokes, and 4 two dollar beers for me this happened:
Girl: Oh, these drinks are starting to hit me, I should really get going.
Me: It’s only 9:30.
Girl: But I have to be at work tomorrow at 8. I know tomorrow is Friday, but I have to finish up these presentations before the weekend. Don’t you have to be at work at 6:30?
Me: Yeah, well I thought we could get one more……
Girl: Hey call me tomorrow we’ll hang out. (brief hug)
Me: I will, later.
I’m not going to call her. She’s kind of cute, definitely not hot, and is apparently into her job. Which is sexy? Maybe? She might have been a little mannish. Whatever, I’m out there, I tried. What did you do last night? I bet you got home at 6:00, helped your wife with dinner, ate dinner, asked your kids about their days, they didn’t tell you, and you capped your night off with some network television. Extreme-trailer-change-makeover-swap-dance-explosion-truth-bullshit was on last night, you probably watched that.
So here I am, on time, unshaven, showered and eating one of these crappy grocery store bagels that you brought for the office. Did you know there are stores that specialize in bagels? Instead I have to eat this terrible excuse for one that I’m sure is just an oddly shaped dinner roll. Sorry, I guess i've wasted a bit of time this morning, things just needed to be said. I’ll have those spreadsheets from yesterday balanced by two o’clock.
What was that you said? Oh right, I shaved with burnt toast. That’s real funny old man, maybe I didn’t even have time this morning to burn some toast. I woke up about 30 minutes ago, my shower took 5 minutes and the water didn’t have much of a chance to get warm enough. These pants where in a heap on my floor and I bet you didn’t notice I wore this shirt two days ago, which is only slightly wrinkly. These socks are dirty, my teeth are not brushed.
Is it really a disgrace to this work environment or that distracting? How many people will take a good long look at me today? Probably five and they are all going to be at the burrito place where I’m going for lunch. I bet the wastoids that make my burritos will still think that I’m a square and probably spit in my food if I don’t tip them. I don’t think I particularly cool because of this, my shirt is white and button down, these pants are khaki.
What about Ken in the next cube? I have to listen to him yammer on all day to the help desk about why his computer hates him. “Hey, Mike is your computer running slow today, why is that? Things usually open quicker. I’ll call the help desk.” Every single morning I have to listen to him eat his cereal, I never noticed how annoying it is to hear other people eat. Chew, Chew, Chew, Smack, Slurp. It’s disgusting and distracting me. Talk to him; tell him he is looking fat, just like I am looking scruffy.
Fine, the crux of it all was I got a little drunk last night, drank a little of the firewater. My friend and I had some cocktails last night, it was a lady friend and I thought a nice alcohol buzz would get her fired up to touch my penis. Congratulations! It didn’t. After three seven dollar bullshit girl drinks, white rums and diet cokes, and 4 two dollar beers for me this happened:
Girl: Oh, these drinks are starting to hit me, I should really get going.
Me: It’s only 9:30.
Girl: But I have to be at work tomorrow at 8. I know tomorrow is Friday, but I have to finish up these presentations before the weekend. Don’t you have to be at work at 6:30?
Me: Yeah, well I thought we could get one more……
Girl: Hey call me tomorrow we’ll hang out. (brief hug)
Me: I will, later.
I’m not going to call her. She’s kind of cute, definitely not hot, and is apparently into her job. Which is sexy? Maybe? She might have been a little mannish. Whatever, I’m out there, I tried. What did you do last night? I bet you got home at 6:00, helped your wife with dinner, ate dinner, asked your kids about their days, they didn’t tell you, and you capped your night off with some network television. Extreme-trailer-change-makeover-swap-dance-explosion-truth-bullshit was on last night, you probably watched that.
So here I am, on time, unshaven, showered and eating one of these crappy grocery store bagels that you brought for the office. Did you know there are stores that specialize in bagels? Instead I have to eat this terrible excuse for one that I’m sure is just an oddly shaped dinner roll. Sorry, I guess i've wasted a bit of time this morning, things just needed to be said. I’ll have those spreadsheets from yesterday balanced by two o’clock.
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