Friday, June 22, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The Nitty Gritty
This is about where the night began to take off. By taking off, I of course mean people began to hit their limits. There were more nudie bars to see and more drinks to drink. It was relayed by everyone involved that the limo driver should just drive us around and bring us places that didn't have cover charges. We eventually arrived at another bar, it was of the nudie variety. Also, did you know that you could smoke cigarettes in these types of bars, it's true fresh cancer air. I had missed it and celebrated by smoking one of Warren's expensive European cigarettes which I still couldn't smoke and coughed alot. Strippers are unimpressed by men coughing up their lungs in front of them.
At this point the Dirty Jesus and I were scoping the crowd, which was crowded. Actually there were alot of guys there that night, lots of people bumping into me. It bothered me then, but now that I think about it I wonder how many excited dudes wieners I was in the vicinity of or really might have rubbed up on me. Damn, that never occurred to me that's terrible, I would assume it happened at least once, right? Maybe? Awful. Although I would say that at least 4X as many breasts were rubbed on myself, does that even out, probably not. Never again, I'm only going for lunches from now on.
Anyway, so the Dirty Jesus and I were standing there probably having wieners rubbed on our backs. When we noticed a certain young lady that seemed to register to both of us. We weren't sure from where, but we looked at each other and said basically," dude, that girls hot, she reminds me of someone, where do we know her." We didn't know her, we had seen her at a bar that we went to weeks ago with warren. Warren had known a bouncer, his name was Dumptruck, which I thought and is hilarious. Dumptruck that night had pointed out this lady to the dirty jesus, warren, and myself, and how the dirty jesus and I should totally talk to her because she was a stripper, drunk, promiscuous, and hot. I thought those qualities always went hand in hand, but maybe not. Moral of the story, the dirty jesus and I didn't talk to her, even though warren bet us too. It must have been fate, no not fate (fate doesn't care about things so menial) lets say chance that there she was, all naked and stuff. A real person with real feelings who wasn't kept in a closet and brought out occasionally to dance sexy like. So the dirty jesus and I gave her dollars to dance for the best man, and then later the dirty jesus may or may not have made out with her. That's all conjecture, but could have happened, he was pretty drunk and can be quite charming. Warren doesn't believe he did, and I don't really care, but it's funny?
Things decomposed a bit more and we rolled on. I have to do some work, maybe i'll finish this up tonight, because poulty days happened and i need to write on that.
At this point the Dirty Jesus and I were scoping the crowd, which was crowded. Actually there were alot of guys there that night, lots of people bumping into me. It bothered me then, but now that I think about it I wonder how many excited dudes wieners I was in the vicinity of or really might have rubbed up on me. Damn, that never occurred to me that's terrible, I would assume it happened at least once, right? Maybe? Awful. Although I would say that at least 4X as many breasts were rubbed on myself, does that even out, probably not. Never again, I'm only going for lunches from now on.
Anyway, so the Dirty Jesus and I were standing there probably having wieners rubbed on our backs. When we noticed a certain young lady that seemed to register to both of us. We weren't sure from where, but we looked at each other and said basically," dude, that girls hot, she reminds me of someone, where do we know her." We didn't know her, we had seen her at a bar that we went to weeks ago with warren. Warren had known a bouncer, his name was Dumptruck, which I thought and is hilarious. Dumptruck that night had pointed out this lady to the dirty jesus, warren, and myself, and how the dirty jesus and I should totally talk to her because she was a stripper, drunk, promiscuous, and hot. I thought those qualities always went hand in hand, but maybe not. Moral of the story, the dirty jesus and I didn't talk to her, even though warren bet us too. It must have been fate, no not fate (fate doesn't care about things so menial) lets say chance that there she was, all naked and stuff. A real person with real feelings who wasn't kept in a closet and brought out occasionally to dance sexy like. So the dirty jesus and I gave her dollars to dance for the best man, and then later the dirty jesus may or may not have made out with her. That's all conjecture, but could have happened, he was pretty drunk and can be quite charming. Warren doesn't believe he did, and I don't really care, but it's funny?
Things decomposed a bit more and we rolled on. I have to do some work, maybe i'll finish this up tonight, because poulty days happened and i need to write on that.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
A $9.00 beer night does exist
The first stop was a more upscale tittie bar downtown; by upscale I mean they charged you $9.00 for a bottle of Coors light. Swear to God, rumpley went up to the bar to get us beverages and he came back all but hurt because he had to spend $18.00 for two slightly shitty beers. He bitched to me for a little while and then a nice young lady who sat on his lap. Rumpley:” what the fuck, why are your beers so goddamn expensive.” Stripper: “ this is a strip club, it’s not suppose to matter.” Rumpley: “ fuck that this is ridiculous.” She then left and no more young ladies sat on his lap. Actually we weren’t approached by anyone else for anything, and before the previous exchange we were mobbed by requests for all manners or merriment. Maybe they have some sot of walkie talkie and the call went out that Rumpley and me didn’t have any money, although I probably would have seen some sort of paraphernalia, no one was wearing much clothes, obviously.
Around this point Rumpley was suddenly too drunk to function. Not really he just decided he was still sober enough and was horny enough to have girlfriend sexy time. It really was an amazing cop out, who yells about loving strippers then pisses them off and leaves. Rumpley.Rumpley left, Dirty Jesus and I spent the rest of the time picking our favorites, and talking about how funny it would be to wear sweat pants with no underwear to this sort of establishment. Would they kick you out for having an erect penis even though that was the whole point of going to a place like this? Who would be the most uncomfortable the other dudes or the girls? We grappled with these questions for some while, then it was time to leave. A dude from our party was getting kicked out. We got back to the limo and everyone was a bit drunker and louder.
Around this point Rumpley was suddenly too drunk to function. Not really he just decided he was still sober enough and was horny enough to have girlfriend sexy time. It really was an amazing cop out, who yells about loving strippers then pisses them off and leaves. Rumpley.Rumpley left, Dirty Jesus and I spent the rest of the time picking our favorites, and talking about how funny it would be to wear sweat pants with no underwear to this sort of establishment. Would they kick you out for having an erect penis even though that was the whole point of going to a place like this? Who would be the most uncomfortable the other dudes or the girls? We grappled with these questions for some while, then it was time to leave. A dude from our party was getting kicked out. We got back to the limo and everyone was a bit drunker and louder.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Strippers are real people too
Now I like to think of myself as not a particularly sleazy person. Granted certain instances have occured as of late that are best not mentioned or remembered. My known association with Jojo does hurt my good moral standing as well and maybe, I had that subscription to Playboy for a while under the pseudonym of Mikey Fingers Simpson, which was Pete’s fault. Maybe I was supposed to renew it and told people and Playboy I would so I could get a free gift. It ended up being topless college babes, hilarious. So lets just say I'm flawed but for the most part I’m not the type of person that would touch myself in a public place or something. Right? Right.
Anyway last weekend I came to terms with my own morality as well as morals of society as a whole or maybe it's ethics, which ever one lets you have a deeper understanding and compassion for dancing naked girls that let you put dollar bills on their bodies.
Last Saturday I was booked solid, I had to sleep in, eat a bagel, do some yard work, crunch my muscles, go to Bragina’s house for a bbq, and later Sam, Warren, The Dirty Jesus and I were going to a bachelor party for a friend of Brandon’s. The party was to be at Brandon’s house and Warren and the Dirty Jesus were all ancy to get over there early and start drinking the hard shit. Sam and I wanted to go see Bragina, his new house, and some of our other buddies we hadn’t hung out with for a while. Bragina’s house was exactly how I predicted it, medium sized, clean, and boring. The company was good and I had a lovely time, but the house was boring, no flavor. In a nutshell, I asked Bragina if the fireplace worked, he said he didn’t know but wasn’t going to use it in case it made the house smell like smoke or something, boring.
Warren and the Dirty Jesus called us at 330 because they were bored and wanted to head over to Brandon’s. Sam and I had just gotten to Bragina’s and wanted to stay for a bit, so we did that and set up a game of cups which Sam and I dominated, which Sam thought was impressive, but I reminded him that we were the only ones that regularly threw frisbee’s. We left at about 600 about when Bragina’s frat guy coworkers showed up. They had khaki shorts, flip flops, shirts from colleges they went to, Oakley’s, and skinny girls.Sam and I left slightly drunk and ready to really start partying. We got to Brandon’s at bout 700 and the party was not partying, Warren was watching Brandon grill the Dirty Jesus wasn’t there yet, and people were standing around smoking cigarettes. I ate some more grill food and Sam and I decided we should play some more cups, we got that set up and did less than impressive. Suddenly, it was 830 and I asked when the limo was going to be arriving. Someone told me 900, “900, holy shit, it’s 830, I’m still all sober, I can’t go to the tittie bars whilst sober, that’s just weird.” Sam agreed and we headed to the basement for hard drinks. 3 shots of whiskey, 1 redbull, 2 beers, 4 shots of Jager, a burger, 4 shots of SoCo and lime, 1 game of pool, 1 kool cigarette which I made Warren angry by not really smoking it because that shit is murder, and I was good to go. Sam was yelling for a couple hours about how he loved strippers and was totally jacked to go. That was interuppted a few times by calls from his girlfriend. He kept half hugging me for some reason, i hate being touched especially by a drunk excited Rumples. The Dirty Jesus had gotten his drink on as well, alot of redbull and various liquors, his glazed drunk look was developing. We pilled into the limo, it was a hummer limo, I observed that “the best man was a bitch for not getting a Lincoln limo which was hella tighter.” I was drunk and ready for oogling jubblies, budonkadonks, and whoo-whoo dillies.
Anyway last weekend I came to terms with my own morality as well as morals of society as a whole or maybe it's ethics, which ever one lets you have a deeper understanding and compassion for dancing naked girls that let you put dollar bills on their bodies.
Last Saturday I was booked solid, I had to sleep in, eat a bagel, do some yard work, crunch my muscles, go to Bragina’s house for a bbq, and later Sam, Warren, The Dirty Jesus and I were going to a bachelor party for a friend of Brandon’s. The party was to be at Brandon’s house and Warren and the Dirty Jesus were all ancy to get over there early and start drinking the hard shit. Sam and I wanted to go see Bragina, his new house, and some of our other buddies we hadn’t hung out with for a while. Bragina’s house was exactly how I predicted it, medium sized, clean, and boring. The company was good and I had a lovely time, but the house was boring, no flavor. In a nutshell, I asked Bragina if the fireplace worked, he said he didn’t know but wasn’t going to use it in case it made the house smell like smoke or something, boring.
Warren and the Dirty Jesus called us at 330 because they were bored and wanted to head over to Brandon’s. Sam and I had just gotten to Bragina’s and wanted to stay for a bit, so we did that and set up a game of cups which Sam and I dominated, which Sam thought was impressive, but I reminded him that we were the only ones that regularly threw frisbee’s. We left at about 600 about when Bragina’s frat guy coworkers showed up. They had khaki shorts, flip flops, shirts from colleges they went to, Oakley’s, and skinny girls.Sam and I left slightly drunk and ready to really start partying. We got to Brandon’s at bout 700 and the party was not partying, Warren was watching Brandon grill the Dirty Jesus wasn’t there yet, and people were standing around smoking cigarettes. I ate some more grill food and Sam and I decided we should play some more cups, we got that set up and did less than impressive. Suddenly, it was 830 and I asked when the limo was going to be arriving. Someone told me 900, “900, holy shit, it’s 830, I’m still all sober, I can’t go to the tittie bars whilst sober, that’s just weird.” Sam agreed and we headed to the basement for hard drinks. 3 shots of whiskey, 1 redbull, 2 beers, 4 shots of Jager, a burger, 4 shots of SoCo and lime, 1 game of pool, 1 kool cigarette which I made Warren angry by not really smoking it because that shit is murder, and I was good to go. Sam was yelling for a couple hours about how he loved strippers and was totally jacked to go. That was interuppted a few times by calls from his girlfriend. He kept half hugging me for some reason, i hate being touched especially by a drunk excited Rumples. The Dirty Jesus had gotten his drink on as well, alot of redbull and various liquors, his glazed drunk look was developing. We pilled into the limo, it was a hummer limo, I observed that “the best man was a bitch for not getting a Lincoln limo which was hella tighter.” I was drunk and ready for oogling jubblies, budonkadonks, and whoo-whoo dillies.
Jojo Dogtits Quote of the Week
The follwing conversation didn't come directly out of the mouth of Jojo, but rather from one of his known associates. It's not exactly Jojo caliber, however funny nonetheless.
Bryan (Friend of Jojo): Man, you young guys should never cheat on your girls. I'm 34 years old and I'm still doing that shit, and it's bad. The last time I cheated and hopefully the very last, the fucking girl left her panties at my house. Man, and being the dumbass that I am, one day after I was done loving my girl and feeling pretty good about myself, I was digging through my sock drawer and found them panties. I didn't realize they were that skanky ho's that I brought over and fucked the week before, so being the badass that I am I was like," hey baby your panties are in my sock drawer, an then I shot them at her face like a rubber band." I hit her square in the nose, she even recoiled back a little bit. Then she picked them up and looked at them and said," Size 5, who the fuck is size 5, who the fuck are these Bryan?" Shit, when something like that goes down you have to deny everything, never give her an inch or you're fucked. " Stop fucking around, those are yours," and I said that about tenty times in a row. That was a year ago and every once in a while when she thinks my guard is down, she'll be like," so whose panties where those really?" What I'm really glad about is that I washed the panties before they ended up in my drawer because if those had hit her in the face being all dirty I would have been fucked. Girls know their own stink.
Everyone else at the table: Starting in amazement................laughter
Bryan (Friend of Jojo): Man, you young guys should never cheat on your girls. I'm 34 years old and I'm still doing that shit, and it's bad. The last time I cheated and hopefully the very last, the fucking girl left her panties at my house. Man, and being the dumbass that I am, one day after I was done loving my girl and feeling pretty good about myself, I was digging through my sock drawer and found them panties. I didn't realize they were that skanky ho's that I brought over and fucked the week before, so being the badass that I am I was like," hey baby your panties are in my sock drawer, an then I shot them at her face like a rubber band." I hit her square in the nose, she even recoiled back a little bit. Then she picked them up and looked at them and said," Size 5, who the fuck is size 5, who the fuck are these Bryan?" Shit, when something like that goes down you have to deny everything, never give her an inch or you're fucked. " Stop fucking around, those are yours," and I said that about tenty times in a row. That was a year ago and every once in a while when she thinks my guard is down, she'll be like," so whose panties where those really?" What I'm really glad about is that I washed the panties before they ended up in my drawer because if those had hit her in the face being all dirty I would have been fucked. Girls know their own stink.
Everyone else at the table: Starting in amazement................laughter
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