That's right I didn't shave this morning

Yes, you are right, I didn’t shave this morning. I’m sorry my unshaven face is so disgusting to you. You know what is disgusting to me? That creepy pedophile goatee you’re sporting, what is this 1997? Not that I decided to look this way the night before, but this look is in right now, it’s shabby-chic or some bullshit, not like flannel shirts and that shit you have stuck to your face.

What was that you said? Oh right, I shaved with burnt toast. That’s real funny old man, maybe I didn’t even have time this morning to burn some toast. I woke up about 30 minutes ago, my shower took 5 minutes and the water didn’t have much of a chance to get warm enough. These pants where in a heap on my floor and I bet you didn’t notice I wore this shirt two days ago, which is only slightly wrinkly. These socks are dirty, my teeth are not brushed.

Is it really a disgrace to this work environment or that distracting? How many people will take a good long look at me today? Probably five and they are all going to be at the burrito place where I’m going for lunch. I bet the wastoids that make my burritos will still think that I’m a square and probably spit in my food if I don’t tip them. I don’t think I particularly cool because of this, my shirt is white and button down, these pants are khaki.

What about Ken in the next cube? I have to listen to him yammer on all day to the help desk about why his computer hates him. “Hey, Mike is your computer running slow today, why is that? Things usually open quicker. I’ll call the help desk.” Every single morning I have to listen to him eat his cereal, I never noticed how annoying it is to hear other people eat. Chew, Chew, Chew, Smack, Slurp. It’s disgusting and distracting me. Talk to him; tell him he is looking fat, just like I am looking scruffy.

Fine, the crux of it all was I got a little drunk last night, drank a little of the firewater. My friend and I had some cocktails last night, it was a lady friend and I thought a nice alcohol buzz would get her fired up to touch my penis. Congratulations! It didn’t. After three seven dollar bullshit girl drinks, white rums and diet cokes, and 4 two dollar beers for me this happened:

Girl: Oh, these drinks are starting to hit me, I should really get going.
Me: It’s only 9:30.
Girl: But I have to be at work tomorrow at 8. I know tomorrow is Friday, but I have to finish up these presentations before the weekend. Don’t you have to be at work at 6:30?
Me: Yeah, well I thought we could get one more……
Girl: Hey call me tomorrow we’ll hang out. (brief hug)
Me: I will, later.

I’m not going to call her. She’s kind of cute, definitely not hot, and is apparently into her job. Which is sexy? Maybe? She might have been a little mannish. Whatever, I’m out there, I tried. What did you do last night? I bet you got home at 6:00, helped your wife with dinner, ate dinner, asked your kids about their days, they didn’t tell you, and you capped your night off with some network television. Extreme-trailer-change-makeover-swap-dance-explosion-truth-bullshit was on last night, you probably watched that.

So here I am, on time, unshaven, showered and eating one of these crappy grocery store bagels that you brought for the office. Did you know there are stores that specialize in bagels? Instead I have to eat this terrible excuse for one that I’m sure is just an oddly shaped dinner roll. Sorry, I guess i've wasted a bit of time this morning, things just needed to be said. I’ll have those spreadsheets from yesterday balanced by two o’clock.