I am unimpressed

p2

2008-05-19T14:40:00.000-06:00

Note: I fucked up the time on the last post it should have been 0015 May 18th, whatever.

Sunday May18th, 0715

I wake up angry. I have to pee. I wanted to sleep more. I take care of that thing I mentioned earlier and I slink back into bed. Pete calls me about 10 minutes after that right when I think I’m about fall asleep again. He’s buying bagels, and “yes I want one.” I close my eyes again. Pete calls again do I want a coffee, “no, I don’t want a coffee.” I close my eyes for a little while longer. I call Pete, “Actually, I do want a coffee.” I close my eyes again, 10 minutes later Pete is home and rustles around and he begins to defile the bathroom. After he is done, he leaves, and then returns about 15 minutes after that. I’m still in bed. He opens my door; I give him a disgusted look, go out and eat my bagel. We need to be at the fields by 830 since our game is at 900.

We get to the fields at 845; we don’t see any Frisbees or Frisbee people anywhere. We start to wander if we fucked up the weekends some how. Pete calls the scheibers and apparently the games don’t start until 1000. Shit. Well at least there is a Bass Pro Shop around so we drive over to waste some time there. It doesn’t open until 1000, so we decide to go to target instead. I cruise the bulk candy isle for about 15 minutes, sampling the different kinds of treats. I’m pretty sure this is frowned upon, but I love jelly beans. We both spend some money on things we don’t really need and then get the fields at 945. We make it all the way to semis, and end up losing because everyone’s hangovers, and 100 mile bike rides and only having two subs, catches up with us.

Demonic Possession or Brain Tumor, either way I'm fucked. P1

2008-05-19T14:19:00.001-06:00

The last 36 hours of my life have been quite taxing. I’ve taken heavy hits to mind, body, and spirit. I wish I could say that I earned and or learned something from the things I’ve recently endured, but there is not a whole lot to take from it all. So, I’ll start at the beginning, not the very beginning because I only want to hit on a few key episodes.

Saturday May 17th, 0015

Fuck the sports column. I’ve never liked going there and really dislike the type of crowd it attracts. Beers are expensive and hard to get and getting cocktails is stupid unless you like paying $6 for a watered down shitty G and T. I’ve never had that good of a time (there was the one time warren and I stole these DU guys shots of something expensive and we were too drunk to notice they really wanted to hurt us. They were glaring at us for quite a while, but never said anything because who would really want to mess with the two of us when were are that drunk and already a little irate (actually that wasn’t that great of a night either, we both just thought it was really funny the next day, oh well)) except tonight a Saturday, Jaeger Bombs are $3. I was blown away. They even had these questionable little cups made especially for these drinks. Do they do this all the time? I don’t know, but either way Sports column went from a 1 to a 3. Good job Sports column. That’s the back story, and a few of these had been drunk by rumples and myself over the course of 2 ½ hours. We are on the brink of getting real drunk and were in the midst of decided if we should get one more round, which really meant keep drinking until the bar closed, or leaving. It was the spring league Frisbee tournament the next day and I decided it would be best to go home a sleep a good amount. We said goodbye to Sam’s friends from the springs and this girl that knew someone from somewhere who was named Dixie. She was from North Dakota (who the fuck is from North Dakota) and was the manager of the On the Border in Golden. She spent the majority of the evening rubbing on Rumples and I. Anyway, conversation of the night occurred as Rumples and I were walking to my car: Rumpledarling: Dude thanks for coming out tonight, you had a good time right?
Me: yeah, I like your friends they’re nice guys.
RD: Those are my boys; I’ve known them for my whole life. It sucks *my friend* got that chick pregnant, fuck man, I couldn’t deal with a kid right now. I love Alyssa, but shit I don’t know what I would do if she got pregnant.
Me: People like us have no business having kids; we can barely take care of ourselves.
RD: Yeah, right…………you should have totally fucked that girl!
Me: Who? What? That girl from North Dakota? She was weird looking.
RD: She was, but she had nice tits. She totally wanted some dick.
Me: Hmm, that’s true, she did, and we were looking pretty good tonight.
RD: Man, I love Alyssa so much, and I know that because if I didn’t I would have totally had taken that girl in the bathroom and had sex with her.
Me: Gross.

We made it home and went to bed.

Play Frisbee

2008-04-03T08:59:00.001-06:00

Hello World,

It’s time to start thinking about your future. How would you like to spend it? I heard that a chunk of Antarctica the size of Pennsylvania just broke off the mainland and is floating around somewhere. We’re not reducing carbon emissions and I’m 95% sure that hybrids emit a ton of CFCs (I read that somewhere, the interweb has all sorts of great information). Foreboding news if you ask me. It won’t be long before we are elbow deep in a future very closely resembling Waterworld staring Kevin Costner. It’s gonna be your future and how would you like to spend your time?

You can work a lot. Buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, and then die. Don’t do that.
I played golf one time, it’s stupid and easy and for old people.
You can hike and camp and fish and trek and be…. in…..nature?
Shooting shit with a gun is fun, buy a gun and do just that.
Tennis is difficult and far too frustrating.
The writers strike is over and who doesn’t like spending Saturdays and weekday evenings watching network television? I think they are allowed to say shit during primetime, brings a little more spice to the salsa.
Sitting around and getting fat is fun; lots of people I know do that. Baseball is cool to watch.
You could play competitive co-ed ultimate Frisbee.

Slowdance Ultimate 2008 is about to begin. In our 3rd year since inception we’ve got it all figured out. Every year there has been a steady increase in quality of play and quality of people. 2008 will be our break-out year. We plan on playing all the local Colorado tournaments and the series which consequently sectionals and regionals are both in the state. There will be no road trip to Santa Barbara or a similar unsavory local. We’ll probably travel for 1 or possibly 2 out-of-state tournaments depending on interest.

A Tale that Needs to Be Told: I've been laughing about this for months.

2008-02-15T15:44:00.002-07:00

Here is the scene: Pete and I are in the liquor store by our house. It's 530 on a Thursday in June and we are on our way to summer league. I'm buying a handle of McCormick's to make cocktails at the fields. While handing my credit card to the younger lady liquor clerk after she apologized for asking me for my ID this happened:
Pete (from the back of the store): MIKE!! MIKE!! DO WE WANT ROADIES?!?!
Mike: Ugh, whatever dude.
Pete: MIKE! BEERS! ROADIES! BEERS FOR THE ROAD!
Mike: Fine just keep it down, get whatever. (The liquor store clerk is staring at me with her mouth open)
Pete (still in the back of the store): MIKE! DO YOU WANT A NEW CASTLE OR HEINEKEN? DO WE HAVE A BOTTLE OPENER IN YOUR CAR? (other people in the store begin to take notice)
Mike: Dude, just settle down, I don't care, lets just get going.
Pete: WHAT! (walking to the front of the store with two bottles) I just got you a New Castle and I got a Heineken, we can just split both of them.(He's smiling)
(The liquor store clerk is staring at both of us and shaking her head)
Mike: Dude.........
Pete: What?............ooohhh.

Ahhh, so Arnold's eyes would not pop out of his head as seen in Total Recall

2008-02-15T14:20:00.001-07:00

Survival in Space Unprotected Is Possible--Briefly
But don't linger in the interstellar vacuum, or hold your breath
By Anna Gosline

As far as certain death in a science fiction plot line goes, being ejected into the vacuum of space is more than a pretty sure thing. A shove out of the air lock by a mutinous lieutenant or a vicious rip in a space suit, and your average movie victim is guaranteed to die quickly and quietly, though with fewer exploding body parts than screenwriters might have you believe.In reality, however, animal experiments and human accidents have shown that people can likely survive exposure to vacuum conditions for at least a couple of minutes. Not that you would remain conscious long enough to rescue yourself, but if your predicament was accidental, there could be time for fellow crew members to rescue and repressurize you with few ill effects."In any system, there is always the possibility of equipment failure leading to injury or death. That's just the risk you run when you are in a hostile environment and you depend upon the equipment around you," says Dartmouth Medical School professor and former NASA astronaut Jay Buckey, author of the 2006 book Space Physiology. "But if you can get to someone quickly, that is good. Often spacewalks are done with two spacewalkers and there is continuous communication. So if someone is having a problem, hopefully the other can go get them and bring them in."Vacuums are indeed lethal: Under extremely low pressure air trapped in the lungs expands, tearing the tender gas-exchange tissues. This is especially grave if you are holding your breath or inhaling deeply when the pressure drops. Water in the soft tissues of your body vaporizes, causing gross swelling, though the tight seal of your skin would prevent you from actually bursting apart. Your eyes, likewise, would refrain from exploding, but continued escape of gas and water vapor leads to rapid cooling of the mouth and airways.Water and dissolved gas in the blood forms bubbles in the major veins, which travel throughout the circulatory system and block blood flow. After about one minute circulation effectively stops. The lack of oxygen to the brain renders you unconscious in less than 15 seconds, eventually killing you. "When the pressure gets very low there is just not enough oxygen. That is really the first and most important concern," Buckey says.But death is not instantaneous. For example, one 1965 study by researchers at the Brooks Air Force Base in Texas showed that dogs exposed to near vacuum—one three-hundred-eightieth of atmospheric pressure at sea level—for up to 90 seconds always survived. During their exposure, they were unconscious and paralyzed. Gas expelled from their bowels and stomachs caused simultaneous defecation, projectile vomiting and urination. They suffered massive seizures. Their tongues were often coated in ice and the dogs swelled to resemble "an inflated goatskin bag," the authors wrote. But after slight repressurization the dogs shrank back down, began to breathe, and after 10 to 15 minutes at sea level pressure, they managed to walk, though it took a few more minutes for their apparent blindness to wear off.However, dogs held at near vacuum for just a little bit longer—two full minutes or more—died frequently. If the heart was not still beating upon recompression, they could not be revived and the more rapid the decompression was, the graver the injuries no matter how much time had elapsed in the vacuum.Chimpanzees can withstand even longer exposures. In a pair of papers from NASA in 1965 and 1967, researchers found that chimpanzees could survive up to 3.5 minutes in near-vacuum conditions with no apparent cognitive defects, as measured by complex tasks months later. One chimp that was exposed for three minutes, however, showed lasting behavioral changes. Another died shortly after exposure, likely due to cardiac arrest.Although the majority of knowledge on the effects of vacuum exposure comes from animal studies, there have also been several informative—and scary—depressurization accidents involving people. For example, in 1965 a technician inside a vacuum chamber at Johnson Space Center in Houston accidentally depressurized his space suit by disrupting a hose. After 12 to 15 seconds he lost consciousness. He regained it at 27 seconds, after his suit was repressurized to about half that of sea level. The man reported that his last memory before blacking out was of the moisture on his tongue beginning to boil as well as a loss of taste sensation that lingered for four days following the accident, but he was otherwise unharmed.When it comes to exposure to the interstellar medium, you might survive it with timely help but it probably won't be to your taste.

Cock Block 2008

2008-02-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

I’d rather not insult the intelligence of myself or of any party that reads this letter with convoluted verbiage and obtuse metaphors for our dedication to the poultry days tournament and experience, by insinuating through my careful manipulation of the English language that I can sway the god giving freewill of another person in to justifying a particular decision that may be counterintuitive to moral or ethical dilemma in their community, country, or after-life, as to not cheapen the human experience that is coherent human thought and shit.

Here are the facts:

1) That nice family that lives behind our campsite promised us a karaoke party on Saturday night, it was someone’s birthday party last year and they invited us. This was quite the step up from letting us use their hose.
2) I already bought a plane ticket, and I’d rather not just go to Indianapolis because I think the Colts are awesome, which I don’t, Go Broncos.
3) Some persons on our team only answer to one of the following: Brother, Jiz, Creature, Radio, Peterhead, Pledge, Girth, Crabigail, Scotty the Body, Pizza, Ech, Beverly
4) I already bought a new tent, my old one smelt like cat pee.
5) The team roster may be too large, feats of strength and dedication are being held next Tuesday at 4:00 am at the dumpster behind Cici’s Pizza at 84th and Sheridan in Westminster, CO to make the appropriate cuts.
6) I haven’t eaten a chicken dinner in almost a year.
7) We asked the Jake Plummer to be on our team. For those of you that don’t know he was the Probowl quarter back of your Denver Broncos, I’m assuming he’ll definitely come. We’ll hang out together, toss the pigskin a little bit, he’ll say I throw the football way better then he does, he’ll call Mike Shanahan, tell him about me, and I’ll start for the Broncos next season.
8) I tire of the mountains, they’re all tall and hard to drive up, they’re overrated if you ask me and they make the air thin and hard to breath. I’m in need of some flat land and muggy air.
9) Go Buckeyes!!!!!

Thank you and we would love to come to your tournament again this year.

Cock Block 2008

That's right I didn't shave this morning

2008-02-14T15:36:00.001-07:00

Yes, you are right, I didn’t shave this morning. I’m sorry my unshaven face is so disgusting to you. You know what is disgusting to me? That creepy pedophile goatee you’re sporting, what is this 1997? Not that I decided to look this way the night before, but this look is in right now, it’s shabby-chic or some bullshit, not like flannel shirts and that shit you have stuck to your face.

What was that you said? Oh right, I shaved with burnt toast. That’s real funny old man, maybe I didn’t even have time this morning to burn some toast. I woke up about 30 minutes ago, my shower took 5 minutes and the water didn’t have much of a chance to get warm enough. These pants where in a heap on my floor and I bet you didn’t notice I wore this shirt two days ago, which is only slightly wrinkly. These socks are dirty, my teeth are not brushed.

Is it really a disgrace to this work environment or that distracting? How many people will take a good long look at me today? Probably five and they are all going to be at the burrito place where I’m going for lunch. I bet the wastoids that make my burritos will still think that I’m a square and probably spit in my food if I don’t tip them. I don’t think I particularly cool because of this, my shirt is white and button down, these pants are khaki.

What about Ken in the next cube? I have to listen to him yammer on all day to the help desk about why his computer hates him. “Hey, Mike is your computer running slow today, why is that? Things usually open quicker. I’ll call the help desk.” Every single morning I have to listen to him eat his cereal, I never noticed how annoying it is to hear other people eat. Chew, Chew, Chew, Smack, Slurp. It’s disgusting and distracting me. Talk to him; tell him he is looking fat, just like I am looking scruffy.

Fine, the crux of it all was I got a little drunk last night, drank a little of the firewater. My friend and I had some cocktails last night, it was a lady friend and I thought a nice alcohol buzz would get her fired up to touch my penis. Congratulations! It didn’t. After three seven dollar bullshit girl drinks, white rums and diet cokes, and 4 two dollar beers for me this happened:

Girl: Oh, these drinks are starting to hit me, I should really get going.
Me: It’s only 9:30.
Girl: But I have to be at work tomorrow at 8. I know tomorrow is Friday, but I have to finish up these presentations before the weekend. Don’t you have to be at work at 6:30?
Me: Yeah, well I thought we could get one more……
Girl: Hey call me tomorrow we’ll hang out. (brief hug)
Me: I will, later.

I’m not going to call her. She’s kind of cute, definitely not hot, and is apparently into her job. Which is sexy? Maybe? She might have been a little mannish. Whatever, I’m out there, I tried. What did you do last night? I bet you got home at 6:00, helped your wife with dinner, ate dinner, asked your kids about their days, they didn’t tell you, and you capped your night off with some network television. Extreme-trailer-change-makeover-swap-dance-explosion-truth-bullshit was on last night, you probably watched that.

So here I am, on time, unshaven, showered and eating one of these crappy grocery store bagels that you brought for the office. Did you know there are stores that specialize in bagels? Instead I have to eat this terrible excuse for one that I’m sure is just an oddly shaped dinner roll. Sorry, I guess i've wasted a bit of time this morning, things just needed to be said. I’ll have those spreadsheets from yesterday balanced by two o’clock.

Fright Flight Letter

2007-09-26T22:21:00.000-06:00

I wrote this for Fright flight, Halloween frisbee tournament, you half to convince the tournament directors to let your team in, this letter will do that.

We thought about a couple other themes for the team, but they didn’t really pan out. For a while it seemed like a good idea to have a Silence of the Lambs theme. Ladies could dress in drab earlier 90’s non-descript business wear or night gowns and rub lotion on their skins. The whole being in a pit would have been hard to replicate. The dudes could have dressed in coveralls and get some of those freaky masks. Also, dudes could play in self made lady skins suits, but we decided it would have been too hard to play with our dongs and balls tucked between our legs. Oh it would have been good, good.

Our other theme was going to be the movie The Notebook. We would have dressed normal and hugged and cried in the rain or some shit? Some people could have been old, weren’t there old people in that movie? I don’t know I didn’t see that movie.

We decided on hunting because who doesn’t like shooting shit. Targets, cans, trash, clay pigeons, real pigeons, small animals, large animals, sea animals, endangered animals, all are tremendous fun to shoot. Man I would love to shoot an endangered animal, like a white rhino or Siberian tiger or one of those mountain gorillas. I read this thing in Time about how the mountain gorillas in Africa are probably going to be eradicated in the next 10 years or less. Endangered animals are much harder to hunt because there ain’t that many of them and foreign governments and those tree huggers at Green Peace tend to get a bit upset. Anyways, hunting is the tits. Oooh shit, shooting a blue whale would be way cool too, those things are huge. Come on who wouldn’t want to kill the largest animal ever?

We don’t own any guns, so we won’t actually be shooting anything. Someone might have a really big knife or a yo-yo. Yo-yos were originally hunting paraphernalia, seriously look it up. Also, I’ll bring some piano wire just in case someone on the team feels like sneaking up on some baby deer that might be around. Someone will bring a blind, we’ll dress in fake tree suits, and we’ll undoubtedly scent ourselves with deer piss scent and booze as to mask our people smells. Yes, this year we’re huntin’ for wins.

I will not catch-up

2007-09-25T08:24:00.000-06:00

Yes, it has been a while. My computer told me that the last time I did anything with this blog was June 22nd. A lot has happened, more sexual mis-adventures, work, bullshit work stuff, peoples weddings, I haven't gotten sick, I've been brushing my teeth, rugby is up and running, frisbee is over, and I got a new job. Done. That is everything.
Most importantly, I have won in both of my fantasy football leagues last week. I beat a certain Ryan Martin which I am especially pleased about. More shit talk in this arena is needed. Steven Jackson is a piece of shit by the way, Peyton Manning is awesome, and I hate Tom Brady. He has everything and I have nothing. Didn't he get some actress pregnant, and is now dating a supermodel or some shit. He is definitely atop my list for hated celebrities, it used to be Beckham, but he sold out when he came to the states and that whole love of a nation thing isn't quite what it used to be for him.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/confiscated_patriots_videotapes

I have to go to a meeting and try to care about my work. I wore my suit today. I think I'll go to the mall later, high school chicks dig dudes in suits.

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-22T11:12:00.001-06:00

Memorial day happened, here are some pictures, I won't comment on any of them.

2007-06-12T15:06:00.000-06:00

The Nitty Gritty

2007-06-12T14:23:00.000-06:00

This is about where the night began to take off. By taking off, I of course mean people began to hit their limits. There were more nudie bars to see and more drinks to drink. It was relayed by everyone involved that the limo driver should just drive us around and bring us places that didn't have cover charges. We eventually arrived at another bar, it was of the nudie variety. Also, did you know that you could smoke cigarettes in these types of bars, it's true fresh cancer air. I had missed it and celebrated by smoking one of Warren's expensive European cigarettes which I still couldn't smoke and coughed alot. Strippers are unimpressed by men coughing up their lungs in front of them.
At this point the Dirty Jesus and I were scoping the crowd, which was crowded. Actually there were alot of guys there that night, lots of people bumping into me. It bothered me then, but now that I think about it I wonder how many excited dudes wieners I was in the vicinity of or really might have rubbed up on me. Damn, that never occurred to me that's terrible, I would assume it happened at least once, right? Maybe? Awful. Although I would say that at least 4X as many breasts were rubbed on myself, does that even out, probably not. Never again, I'm only going for lunches from now on.
Anyway, so the Dirty Jesus and I were standing there probably having wieners rubbed on our backs. When we noticed a certain young lady that seemed to register to both of us. We weren't sure from where, but we looked at each other and said basically," dude, that girls hot, she reminds me of someone, where do we know her." We didn't know her, we had seen her at a bar that we went to weeks ago with warren. Warren had known a bouncer, his name was Dumptruck, which I thought and is hilarious. Dumptruck that night had pointed out this lady to the dirty jesus, warren, and myself, and how the dirty jesus and I should totally talk to her because she was a stripper, drunk, promiscuous, and hot. I thought those qualities always went hand in hand, but maybe not. Moral of the story, the dirty jesus and I didn't talk to her, even though warren bet us too. It must have been fate, no not fate (fate doesn't care about things so menial) lets say chance that there she was, all naked and stuff. A real person with real feelings who wasn't kept in a closet and brought out occasionally to dance sexy like. So the dirty jesus and I gave her dollars to dance for the best man, and then later the dirty jesus may or may not have made out with her. That's all conjecture, but could have happened, he was pretty drunk and can be quite charming. Warren doesn't believe he did, and I don't really care, but it's funny?
Things decomposed a bit more and we rolled on. I have to do some work, maybe i'll finish this up tonight, because poulty days happened and i need to write on that.

A $9.00 beer night does exist

2007-06-06T15:45:00.000-06:00

The first stop was a more upscale tittie bar downtown; by upscale I mean they charged you $9.00 for a bottle of Coors light. Swear to God, rumpley went up to the bar to get us beverages and he came back all but hurt because he had to spend $18.00 for two slightly shitty beers. He bitched to me for a little while and then a nice young lady who sat on his lap. Rumpley:” what the fuck, why are your beers so goddamn expensive.” Stripper: “ this is a strip club, it’s not suppose to matter.” Rumpley: “ fuck that this is ridiculous.” She then left and no more young ladies sat on his lap. Actually we weren’t approached by anyone else for anything, and before the previous exchange we were mobbed by requests for all manners or merriment. Maybe they have some sot of walkie talkie and the call went out that Rumpley and me didn’t have any money, although I probably would have seen some sort of paraphernalia, no one was wearing much clothes, obviously.
Around this point Rumpley was suddenly too drunk to function. Not really he just decided he was still sober enough and was horny enough to have girlfriend sexy time. It really was an amazing cop out, who yells about loving strippers then pisses them off and leaves. Rumpley.Rumpley left, Dirty Jesus and I spent the rest of the time picking our favorites, and talking about how funny it would be to wear sweat pants with no underwear to this sort of establishment. Would they kick you out for having an erect penis even though that was the whole point of going to a place like this? Who would be the most uncomfortable the other dudes or the girls? We grappled with these questions for some while, then it was time to leave. A dude from our party was getting kicked out. We got back to the limo and everyone was a bit drunker and louder.

Strippers are real people too

2007-06-04T15:50:00.000-06:00

Now I like to think of myself as not a particularly sleazy person. Granted certain instances have occured as of late that are best not mentioned or remembered. My known association with Jojo does hurt my good moral standing as well and maybe, I had that subscription to Playboy for a while under the pseudonym of Mikey Fingers Simpson, which was Pete’s fault. Maybe I was supposed to renew it and told people and Playboy I would so I could get a free gift. It ended up being topless college babes, hilarious. So lets just say I'm flawed but for the most part I’m not the type of person that would touch myself in a public place or something. Right? Right.
Anyway last weekend I came to terms with my own morality as well as morals of society as a whole or maybe it's ethics, which ever one lets you have a deeper understanding and compassion for dancing naked girls that let you put dollar bills on their bodies.
Last Saturday I was booked solid, I had to sleep in, eat a bagel, do some yard work, crunch my muscles, go to Bragina’s house for a bbq, and later Sam, Warren, The Dirty Jesus and I were going to a bachelor party for a friend of Brandon’s. The party was to be at Brandon’s house and Warren and the Dirty Jesus were all ancy to get over there early and start drinking the hard shit. Sam and I wanted to go see Bragina, his new house, and some of our other buddies we hadn’t hung out with for a while. Bragina’s house was exactly how I predicted it, medium sized, clean, and boring. The company was good and I had a lovely time, but the house was boring, no flavor. In a nutshell, I asked Bragina if the fireplace worked, he said he didn’t know but wasn’t going to use it in case it made the house smell like smoke or something, boring.
Warren and the Dirty Jesus called us at 330 because they were bored and wanted to head over to Brandon’s. Sam and I had just gotten to Bragina’s and wanted to stay for a bit, so we did that and set up a game of cups which Sam and I dominated, which Sam thought was impressive, but I reminded him that we were the only ones that regularly threw frisbee’s. We left at about 600 about when Bragina’s frat guy coworkers showed up. They had khaki shorts, flip flops, shirts from colleges they went to, Oakley’s, and skinny girls.Sam and I left slightly drunk and ready to really start partying. We got to Brandon’s at bout 700 and the party was not partying, Warren was watching Brandon grill the Dirty Jesus wasn’t there yet, and people were standing around smoking cigarettes. I ate some more grill food and Sam and I decided we should play some more cups, we got that set up and did less than impressive. Suddenly, it was 830 and I asked when the limo was going to be arriving. Someone told me 900, “900, holy shit, it’s 830, I’m still all sober, I can’t go to the tittie bars whilst sober, that’s just weird.” Sam agreed and we headed to the basement for hard drinks. 3 shots of whiskey, 1 redbull, 2 beers, 4 shots of Jager, a burger, 4 shots of SoCo and lime, 1 game of pool, 1 kool cigarette which I made Warren angry by not really smoking it because that shit is murder, and I was good to go. Sam was yelling for a couple hours about how he loved strippers and was totally jacked to go. That was interuppted a few times by calls from his girlfriend. He kept half hugging me for some reason, i hate being touched especially by a drunk excited Rumples. The Dirty Jesus had gotten his drink on as well, alot of redbull and various liquors, his glazed drunk look was developing. We pilled into the limo, it was a hummer limo, I observed that “the best man was a bitch for not getting a Lincoln limo which was hella tighter.” I was drunk and ready for oogling jubblies, budonkadonks, and whoo-whoo dillies.

Jojo Dogtits Quote of the Week

2007-06-04T15:04:00.000-06:00

The follwing conversation didn't come directly out of the mouth of Jojo, but rather from one of his known associates. It's not exactly Jojo caliber, however funny nonetheless.

Bryan (Friend of Jojo): Man, you young guys should never cheat on your girls. I'm 34 years old and I'm still doing that shit, and it's bad. The last time I cheated and hopefully the very last, the fucking girl left her panties at my house. Man, and being the dumbass that I am, one day after I was done loving my girl and feeling pretty good about myself, I was digging through my sock drawer and found them panties. I didn't realize they were that skanky ho's that I brought over and fucked the week before, so being the badass that I am I was like," hey baby your panties are in my sock drawer, an then I shot them at her face like a rubber band." I hit her square in the nose, she even recoiled back a little bit. Then she picked them up and looked at them and said," Size 5, who the fuck is size 5, who the fuck are these Bryan?" Shit, when something like that goes down you have to deny everything, never give her an inch or you're fucked. " Stop fucking around, those are yours," and I said that about tenty times in a row. That was a year ago and every once in a while when she thinks my guard is down, she'll be like," so whose panties where those really?" What I'm really glad about is that I washed the panties before they ended up in my drawer because if those had hit her in the face being all dirty I would have been fucked. Girls know their own stink.

Everyone else at the table: Starting in amazement................laughter

Albuquerque, New Mexico is crazier than the for real Mexico: Episode 2:

2007-04-11T14:58:00.000-06:00

Friday
9:00
Cousin is calls me twice and leaves a message that she wants to come over and do laundry. I ignore it because my head hurts and russ is waking up. I't s raining outside and that makes me feel worse. russ and I talk about how he is totally not playing golf today. Russ leaves and I decide to take a dookie. This makes me feel better until I hear someone open the front door and starts walking around the house. Cousin is here, she wants to do laundry.

Albuquerque, New Mexico is crazier than the for real Mexico : Episode Uno-The Build-up

2007-04-10T21:02:00.000-06:00

I find it is always hard to remember a period of time where crazy shit was happening non-stop. You know how that goes, you remember the really fucked up stuff, but there is always the smaller minute details that you remember gradually and realize that those instances were the worst of it all. I don't want to leave out any of my time in the New Mexico because years from now i'll look back and completely forget drunkenly getting a pillow fight and splattering a half eaten frito chili pie across a hotel wall. So I'm going to provide a relative timeline that i can at least try to organize this jumble of words, visuals, and some smells.

Thursday night:
10:00
I get home after rugby practice slightly tipsey because we went to a new bar that wants to give my team thousands of dollars to hand out. Ridiculous, who ever wants a bunch of drunk dudes at a bar, but the bar had shuffle-board so i'm down. Anyway, i get home and sam and russ call me from the stadium. I decided to go because, hey, party-on. I'm a little drunker then they are and they aren't having a tremendous amount of fun. Things are winding down, when in walks this strange nicole richie of a girl that Warzone insulted weeks past in said bar. Things are looking up, I call Warzone. *Aside* I'm realizing as I type this that I have other shit to do tonight, like fill out a National Security questionaire, I'll have to break this up a bit.
He shows up and the follwing happened:
Warzone- "So why did you guys call me, what's happening?"
Girl, leaning over our table, interested because sam, russ, and I begin to laugh loudly- " Hey guys, (Looking at Warzone) do i know you?"
sam, russ, and I laugh louder, this is pretty hilarious.
Warzone, looking girl in the face-" Oh, this is why."
Girl looks hurt and still doesn't remember the Warzone.
11:00-12:00
The night progresses, and it gets later. I decide to get drunk because I have a rode trip tomorrow and am therefore not going to work. Later a slightly larger girl sits next to me at our table, she just wants to hang because we "seem really cool." I feel like I'm at hooters, but I'm drunk and don't really mind. I eventually find out that she was from Bixby, Oklahoma and went to OSU. We talk about beautiful green country, the Pokes and how they are good at basketball, how OU football is much better, how she lived in Tulsa, at some point sam insulted her for not understanding what she did for a living, actually I can't remeber what she said, something with horses, maybe, I eventually tell her that Bixby sucks and my high school was better than her high school, she then gets defensive and makes up an excuse to leave. While all this is happening, Warzone is taking up more and more in bothering nicole richie. Either she remebered him, or she was attracted, or drunk, or on the yayo, or something.
12:00-1:00
Warzone is buying drinks at this point, I think, and she is telling us how she totally knows the owner of Monarch (shitty bar with 9.00 beers and expensive looking girls and dudes with solid color dress shirts and tight pants) and that is where her crew is going and we should totally go with her. I mention that "it's almost 1:00 and some bars close at 2:00 in Denver. She doesn't pick-up my sarcasm, and insists we should go. I say fine, sounds like adventures to me. I have to use the pee-pee room and tell everyone this, and when I get back, nicole richie is gone and Warzone looks confused. We stumble home drunk, and me and russ watch tv, he passes out and I throw a blanket over him.

Friday
8:00
Sam pees his bed.
I wake up, my head hurts.
Cousin calls and want to do laundry.

rugby fun times

2007-03-22T15:38:00.000-06:00

this is me playing rugby, i don't quite know how to feel about these pictures. The first one is really quite odd, what were those two men trying to do to me,what good could possible come from #6 being on his knees? nonetheless it's pretty fucking funny.

Seriously the coolest ever

2007-02-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

The following is completely fucking awesome for many, many reasons the most notable being:
1) Bushbabies are probably one of the cutest, cuddley animals on the face of the earth. A hungry, ugly chimp decides to spear one, probably beat it with a rock a couple times then eat it when it may or may not still be living. It's a really good metaphor if you think about it.
2) If it was a spear how did it get sharpened in the first place, do monkeys have knives and shit too, that's even more extreme.
3) Planet of the Apes if fo' real and it is going to happen, i knew it all along and this just proves it. The damn dirty apes are getting smarter, fuck.

DES MOINES, Iowa - Researchers report witnessing a chimpanzee skewering a tree creature for supper with a spearlike tool, a rare observation of a long-studied primate in the wild.
"It's not uncommon to have chimps use tools. But to use them in the context of hunting" is nearly unheard of, said Jill Pruetz, an anthropology professor from Iowa State University who led the research team.
The chimp's actual spearing of a bushbaby, a lemurlike creature that lives in hollow branches or trunks, was only seen once, however. So some primate experts said it was unclear whether the spectacle was a bit of luck or an indication that chimps have a more advanced ability to hunt than was thought.
The observations were made in Fongoli, Senegal, from March 2005 to July 2006. Pruetz's team documented cases of the chimps using the spears in a study released Thursday in the online version of the journal Current Biology.
Pruetz said the practice is most common among adolescent females, ages 10 to 13, which must compete against physically superior males.
"It's a way of accessing protein or meat that is a creative solution to this problem," she said.
Pruetz said the chimpanzees stripped leaves from tree branches and modified the tip with their incisors, "effectively making a point." Then the chimpanzees jabbed the tool into a cavity to snag a bushbaby.
Chimpanzees commonly use sticks to get food, such as termites, said Ian Gilby, a postdoctoral fellow who studies chimpanzee hunting at Harvard University.
"You frequently see chimps sticking sticks into holes or trees, so they can make the hole bigger so they can put their arm in," said Gilby, who hadn't read the study.
Gilby said he's seen this tactic used to get honey and small birds from holes in his work in Gombe, Tanzania.
"If it's clear they're making a point" on a branch tip, he said, then that "does appear to be slightly different from what we see at other sites."
David DeGusta, an assistant professor of anthropological sciences at Stanford University, lauded Pruetz's work because of the rarity of studying chimpanzees outside Gombe, where renowned researcher Jane Goodall did her work. It's hard to get animals accustomed to human presence and willing to carry on naturally, DeGusta said.
"The more populations that are studied, the more we learn about how their behavior can vary," said DeGusta.
Her Iowa State graduate students continue to observe other emerging patterns among chimpanzees in Senegal.
"In a million years I never would've predicted that I would've seen (hunting)," she said. "I'm going to plug along and see what unfolds."

Jojo Dogtits quote of the Day 2/23/07

2007-02-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

"So we need to drive to Ed Budd's office, pick up the job, get these invoices signed and at some point get lunch, i'm fucking starving." - Mike
"Yeah, did I ever tell you about the time I pissed myself on an airplane?" -Jojo
"Wha, what, pissed yourself, what?" -Mike
" Dude, I was in Vegas a couple years ago and the night before we were supposed to leave, i just got wasted hammered drunk, i was drinking all day, passed out, and then woke up and drank until like 4:00 am. Fucking shitcanned. So then Pam (jojo's girlfriend) wakes me up in the morning and i still can't see straight, and she is being a bitch and yelling at me and shit, and then at the airport she goes to check us in and i lay down in the middle of the terminal. The middle of the fucking terminal, i drag the bags around me and she lets me sleep for about 30 minutes. Once we finally get on the plane i passed out immediately. I wake up about an hour later and the stewardess and Pam are leaning over me and throwing water all over my body because i guess i was sweating and shaking and shit. I go the the bathroom and try to maintain for a bit but on my way back i notice that my shorts are just soaked. I get back to my seat and Pam glares at me and that i need to 'sick the fuck down right now.' The piss had puddled in my seat and she made me sit in it the rest of the trip. It was all sloshing around and dripping on the floor. she wouldn't even let me change my shorts until we got home."- Jojo
"Did any of the peepee get on her?"-Mike
"Probably, she was sitting next to me, fuck maybe that's why she was so pissed."-Jojo
"Maybe?"-Mike

Jojodogtits Quote of the Dead Prez Day

2007-02-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

"How was you weekend." -Jojo
"Got all slightly tipsey and other things Friday with you, then I thought it would be a great idea to eat the Burger King. Saturday I went to the mountains, made pasta, drank alot of beer, and had a couple hot tubs, you?" -Mike
"Shit, I got hammered Friday, then spent all day Saturday somking with my boy. I smoked so much i started shaking. Then my boy from college came into town yesterday and we went out last night and drank. Dude, I still ain't right, I don't know what it is but something is carrying over from the weekend, and it's bad. Oh, is Tom (our boss) here? I have to go quit my job." -Jojo
"Yeah, I think he is in his office, good luck." -Mike

i can be sexy

2007-02-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

I just want you all to know that I am a man. Long have you wandered looking for me, and finally I have been found. You have searched through the darkness and loneliness with one purpose, to find me. There is no sky, ground, heaven or hell, just me, and I am a man. I was man before I was born and will be a man long after I die; I am the beginning and the end, the alpha-man and omega-man. Power, stamina, prowess, fortitude, tenacity, stamina, and guile are qualities I possess in great quantities, if you ever question my competency. Rejoice because I am here and long for your touch and embrace, as you do mine. You are beautiful to me and I am beautiful to you. So come to me, touch my masculine physique, rub hot Persian oils on my blemish free skin, and we can light candles and talk about feelings and shit. I am strong. Have you seen my washboard stomach? I do crunches every morning; I can do a thousand now. I need you. They say love knows no boundaries, but this is not true, the only love that exists is within my arms, holding you tight. We will be as one, together, whenever, wherever, we were meant to be together, I'll be there and you'll be near and that's the deal my dear.

Jojo Dogtits Quote of the Day 2/16/2007

2007-02-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

"Did you live close to campus when you were in college?" - Mike
"My first 4 years I lived two blocks away, the next two I was about a mile, the last 2 1/2 I lived about 4 blocks away, but I had to cross busy streets so I usually drove to my boys house, which was across the street from school and I walked." - Jojo
" So you had to hang around campus all day?" -Mike
"Yeah, it was fine though, because most days i would just sit on the green and watch girls with my boy James, those girls were so hot, shit where did they all come from? I always wanted to be like ' Girl come over here and drop them draws, it's hot out here just sit on my face and pee on me, its hot, just pull them draws down.'"- Jojo
"Jesus Christ." -Mike

More weird happend, but I forgot some

2007-02-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of days I’ve been trying to put into words what exactly I was involved with last weekend. So much strangeness happened over such a short period it really overwhelms me to think about all that transpired. Here is a good metaphor, if someone were writing a book on my life as I lived it, this would be the chapter that the author was tripped out on acid. I was slightly hung over, driving on snow covered roads with a car with balled tires, playing rugby in the snow, being painfully cold from 9:00 am – 6:00 pm, not feeling my toes from 9:30-6:00, shivering, being irate that kegs were not tapped at 10:00, drinking a only a small amount of beer because my hands got too cold from being exposed and holding cold beverages, getting hit in the face and bleeding, only eating a bagel sandwich and 1 tube of energy goo, trying to find a place to eat at Breck on a Saturday night, finding out that everywhere has a two hour wait, almost getting kicked out of a restaurant after being seated and waiting for 1 hour, thinking that the waitress must have done something to my food because there were 10 angry rugby players in her restaurant and it was clearly obvious we freaked out the squares, discovering $5 pitchers of beer is a wonderful deal, deciding to stay for only 2 pitchers and staying for 15, partying with rugby girls, having random rugby girl dig my business, finding out girl was digging my business to anger her boyfriend, having boyfriend get angry with me and my team, realizing the dude was small and would get his shit wrecked if he continued his course of action, buying the girl a drink, realizing that rugby girls are very unattractive but they like to get real drunk and dance “ sexy ? ”, thinking it would be real funny to get some high schools kids drunk and then finding out they were both as old as me, being worried about inhaling a lingering cloud of weed and then failing my drug test the next week, realizing that rugby players should do cooler drugs like pcp or coke because on said drugs they would be better at rugby, weed makes people lazy and shitty at rugby, waking up to a 45 year old rugby player coughing up a lung because he smoked a lot of weed, staying in a condo that stunk of weed and asshole, driving back to Denver hung over again and again on snow covered roads, going to the cherry creek mall and being freaked out by how strange I thought everyone looked, seeing bragina, hearing Warzone argue with his mom because she thinks he is starting to look like a bike messenger or someone who belongs working at Qudoba, seeing someone I went to high school with, making eye contact, look away and keep walking, going to whole foods the scarff the free samples, discovering that there was no free samples except brownies, eating 10 brownies, buying tickets for The Departed then finding out it comes out on DVD Tuesday, wasting 2 hours at the mall, getting angry at the Gap, convincing Warzone for 30 minutes that Letters from Iwo Jima was a movie we should see, watching Japanese people being fucking nuts, and having the overwhelming feeling all day that I have been away from Denver/reality for a solid two weeks when its only been a day.

Visual references

2007-02-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

I am Batman, and not drunk, just tired.

Rumpley is a goth kid, disturbing.

This is Warren in a nutshell

Response to hooking up with b-league frisbee players

2007-02-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

For the record, I have never bedded a girl that played b-league. My various forays into the world of the b-league was met with what I would say was three key obstacles in wooing a lady into taking her clothes off. The biggest factors included Warren and Rumpley, if anyone knows either of those guys you understand how big of cock blocks they really are. Warren was always puking, cursing and being drunk and Rumpley was being himself. Also, the various girls that happened to be on my teams in b-league were all shitty frisbee players, therefore they got very angry when a laser, hammer, or no frisbee at all went there way. I also usually wore a g-unit jersey, and as everyone knows frisbee players hate gangstas.

I have 5 minutes

2007-02-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

This is my blog. Nothing has been blogged. I just made this thing and have 5 minutes before i have to do something else. The else being me driving somewhere. I just ate bbq and I need to take a bm first, that is cutting into my typing time.